I went through and deleted all the photos in previous posts. I realised i have said some pretty fucked up things and shared maybe a little too much information on here. The people that can read this that actually know me in real life, please dont judge me on whats written here and please dont mention it to other people. I shouldnt really share this much info on the internet but i really need an outlet. theres some things in my past that i am not proud of and i have sometimes acted really stupidly to try and deal with different things. I think i am a different person now, i have come to realise certain things are important and most things i used to think were important are not at all. I would delete the entire blog but i just cant bring myself to do it... its sometimes good to read over the past things i have written and realise what a superficial dickhead i can be. I'm going through such a hrd time right now and certain people are not making it any easier. Shouldnt your boyfriend be there to help you? not make it all harder and make me feel like i need to please everyone else. I am so sick of trying to be happy for other people. If i wanna lie in bed and sleep all day and stay up all night im going to do it. I dont want to socialise with other people or leave the house to do normal things. why should i? i dont feel normal at all. i dont even feel part of this world anymore. oh well hopefully this blog is a little more anonymous than it was.

Rest in Peace Peach xx

Well my baby has finally gone. She fought it out until the end. Stopping breathing for a minute and then *gasp* and theres the next breath. It wasnt nice to watch though. In the end her heart couldnt take it anymore and with a little sigh it stopped beating. In true Madison form, she went gracefully and peacefully while i was holding her wee hand. As soon as she was gone her whole face changed, i cant even explain what it was like. It was just not Madison anymore. It was her body but she wasnt there. I held her for a while and she was sooo warm. Almost like she was asleep. With her eyes open. She stayed on the couch for the rest of the night and the undertaker picked her up in the morning. I didnt want to see that though, by then rigor had set in and i just didnt want to see her that way. Shes at the funeral home tonight and then she'll be brought back tomorrow to stay here til thursday for her funeral. She has the most gorgeous pink casket with and a gorgeous wee dress that she would have looooved. No shoes though, she hates them.
I'm still in shock, it hasnt registered with me yet. I mean, i know shes gone but the full blow hasnt hit me. I dont think it will until after shes buried and shes really not here anymore. Poor wee baby, im so glad she isnt suffering anymore. It killed me to see that. Today at a shop i went into the toilets and a $20 note was just lying there. I thought um i think Madison sent it down for me... its probably silly to think that but i really do believe shes happy and safe playing somewhere with other kids. Or something like that. Hopefully shes with Nana and Grandad. When i came out of the toilets my Grandads funeral song was playing. Coincidence? Probably but it was quite nice. I feel like im stuck in limbo, living someone elses life and just floating along. Normal things seem wierd to do. like driving a car or eating or anything like that. The outside world seems so strange and harsh to me. It really is like a limbo. i better go get some sleep, i havent slept in a long time.
Goodnight Madison, i love you :)

Just when i think i have the strength to help me get through the days, i wake up and its all gone. The mood has changed and i feel sick to my stomach. I'm just not strong enough and im sick and tired of acting like im fine and coping really well. Its exhausting. When im alone all i do is cry and that is sad. I'm not ok.

Not as depressing...

A million thanks and hugs to Melody and Victoria who left me the sweetest comments :) you guys are such amazing people to leave sweet words for me, let alone actually give a shit about someone you dont know lol! It means alot to know people out there really do care xoxox.
My scan went good, so im really happy about that. My boyfriends out of jail as of yesterday so its good to have him back. Making some funeral plans but havent really made much progress. Its just so hard to choose all these things that i feel dont really matter to me right now. I know they will later though. Madisons worse but when we were having our wee before bedtime bonding (nappy change and air out, moisturise and massage her skin coz she doesnt get fluids and its dry as hell, and reading books etc.) she actually laughed! I tickled her tummy and beeped her nose and she let out the tiniest wee sound but it was a laugh for sure! Lol i started crying coz it was just so amazing. Not sad crying, like happy crying. Just knowing she knows what im on about and is still in there somewhere makes me so, so happy. Even though the worst is coming, i know we're both gunna be ok, wherever we are in this universe. She knows how much i and everyone else loves her and i know whatever it is waiting out there for us, it cant be so bad. Especially for the sweetest wee girl in the world! Thats what keeps me going through the day. xoxox