Thursday, July 30, 2009

I went through and deleted all the photos in previous posts. I realised i have said some pretty fucked up things and shared maybe a little too much information on here. The people that can read this that actually know me in real life, please dont judge me on whats written here and please dont mention it to other people. I shouldnt really share this much info on the internet but i really need an outlet. theres some things in my past that i am not proud of and i have sometimes acted really stupidly to try and deal with different things. I think i am a different person now, i have come to realise certain things are important and most things i used to think were important are not at all. I would delete the entire blog but i just cant bring myself to do it... its sometimes good to read over the past things i have written and realise what a superficial dickhead i can be. I'm going through such a hrd time right now and certain people are not making it any easier. Shouldnt your boyfriend be there to help you? not make it all harder and make me feel like i need to please everyone else. I am so sick of trying to be happy for other people. If i wanna lie in bed and sleep all day and stay up all night im going to do it. I dont want to socialise with other people or leave the house to do normal things. why should i? i dont feel normal at all. i dont even feel part of this world anymore. oh well hopefully this blog is a little more anonymous than it was.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Rest in Peace Peach xx

Well my baby has finally gone. She fought it out until the end. Stopping breathing for a minute and then *gasp* and theres the next breath. It wasnt nice to watch though. In the end her heart couldnt take it anymore and with a little sigh it stopped beating. In true Madison form, she went gracefully and peacefully while i was holding her wee hand. As soon as she was gone her whole face changed, i cant even explain what it was like. It was just not Madison anymore. It was her body but she wasnt there. I held her for a while and she was sooo warm. Almost like she was asleep. With her eyes open. She stayed on the couch for the rest of the night and the undertaker picked her up in the morning. I didnt want to see that though, by then rigor had set in and i just didnt want to see her that way. Shes at the funeral home tonight and then she'll be brought back tomorrow to stay here til thursday for her funeral. She has the most gorgeous pink casket with and a gorgeous wee dress that she would have looooved. No shoes though, she hates them.
I'm still in shock, it hasnt registered with me yet. I mean, i know shes gone but the full blow hasnt hit me. I dont think it will until after shes buried and shes really not here anymore. Poor wee baby, im so glad she isnt suffering anymore. It killed me to see that. Today at a shop i went into the toilets and a $20 note was just lying there. I thought um i think Madison sent it down for me... its probably silly to think that but i really do believe shes happy and safe playing somewhere with other kids. Or something like that. Hopefully shes with Nana and Grandad. When i came out of the toilets my Grandads funeral song was playing. Coincidence? Probably but it was quite nice. I feel like im stuck in limbo, living someone elses life and just floating along. Normal things seem wierd to do. like driving a car or eating or anything like that. The outside world seems so strange and harsh to me. It really is like a limbo. i better go get some sleep, i havent slept in a long time.
Goodnight Madison, i love you :)

Friday, July 10, 2009

Just when i think i have the strength to help me get through the days, i wake up and its all gone. The mood has changed and i feel sick to my stomach. I'm just not strong enough and im sick and tired of acting like im fine and coping really well. Its exhausting. When im alone all i do is cry and that is sad. I'm not ok.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Not as depressing...

A million thanks and hugs to Melody and Victoria who left me the sweetest comments :) you guys are such amazing people to leave sweet words for me, let alone actually give a shit about someone you dont know lol! It means alot to know people out there really do care xoxox.
My scan went good, so im really happy about that. My boyfriends out of jail as of yesterday so its good to have him back. Making some funeral plans but havent really made much progress. Its just so hard to choose all these things that i feel dont really matter to me right now. I know they will later though. Madisons worse but when we were having our wee before bedtime bonding (nappy change and air out, moisturise and massage her skin coz she doesnt get fluids and its dry as hell, and reading books etc.) she actually laughed! I tickled her tummy and beeped her nose and she let out the tiniest wee sound but it was a laugh for sure! Lol i started crying coz it was just so amazing. Not sad crying, like happy crying. Just knowing she knows what im on about and is still in there somewhere makes me so, so happy. Even though the worst is coming, i know we're both gunna be ok, wherever we are in this universe. She knows how much i and everyone else loves her and i know whatever it is waiting out there for us, it cant be so bad. Especially for the sweetest wee girl in the world! Thats what keeps me going through the day. xoxox

Tuesday, June 30, 2009


Well that last post was fairly sad and self-pitying. But im not gunna delete it or anything because i remember how i felt that day and it was like i was slowly drowning. Sometimes it really does help to just get everything out and written down. Its almost like your plucking those emotions right out of your body and putting them to paper. It helps deal with the problems and gives you like, a different point of view almost. Not really sure how to word that but i get what i mean lol.

Things aren't too bad at the moment. I mean, Madison is still very, very ill and everything but i feel like i have the strength right now to help me get through this. I'm literally living my worst nightmare and for the first time i feel i am going to make it through to the other side. The other side being that my beautiful baby girl will have passed on. Yeah, it will be devastating and my absolute worst nightmare in the universe, but i know i need to stay strong not only for her but for her baby sister/brother in my belly :) I think talking about it (or writing) helps me get stronger and prepare myself. Obviously i know now its inevitable that Madison is not going to make it through this and i dont think i really believed that before. She is the strongest and most determined person i have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Maybe a little too much so. I dont know how this will sound to someone that doesnt know what its like but i feel like it will be a relief somehow when its over. For her i mean. She is so miserable, you can see it in her eyes. For a little girl that didnt stay still until she went to sleep, touched every single thing she laid her eyes on, and yelled and danced to the cartoons on T.V, this has got to be so hard. She cant move, talk, eat, drink, see. She cant do anything but lie in the same place all day. I'm not even sure she sees my face anymore. I know she listens to me and can understand me though. If you say "squeeze" she manages to lightly squeeze my finger. So i know she knows whats going on. Its almost like shes stuck in a body that cant do anyhting anymore. Like being totalparalysed. It just doesnt seem fair that she has to suffer like this. I hate to see her suffering and in pain its awful. I cant imagine what shes thinking about it all. I really hope she doesnt think she cant let go and leave us. I really want to know if she understands that happening to her and she knows theres nothing we can do to help her. Sometimes she has a look in her eyes thats like shes asking why we cant make her better like we used to. Shes not silly, she never has been. Im sure some children know alot more than we think they do. Especially her, shes such an old soul :) i knew that as soon as she was born and i looked in her eyes. She never really seemed brand new. I like that. I just want her to be safe and happy. I want her here with me more though. And that the kind of selfish thinking that makes me think she thinks she cant let go. I'm sure she picks up on it. I dont know, i really dont. I just know i love her more than anything and i want whats best for her. It'd be nice to know what was out there after we leave this earth. It might give alot of people some piece of mind. Then again, maybe not. I dont know whats out there but i know it helps me to get through every day to think that its something nice. Especially for children. Children are so innocent, i cant imagin whoever is in charge of all this stuff would let children go somewhere where they weren't safe. Thats what i like to think anyway. Its not like i believe in God or anything like that but something just has to be out there.

Wow, i cant believe i wrote that much. Feels good to get ot out though. Nothing much else is happening in my life. I have my 12 week scan next Monday and my boyfriend gets out of jail the day after. My tummy is huge already! Dont know whats going on with that haha. I hate it, i dont look pregnant just kinda like i ate too much or something. I'm watching Alias box-sets :) they keep me entertained at night. I dont usually got sleep til 6am and wake up about 11 or 12. Because Madison sleeps 80% of the time now i dont need to be up for anyhting. I really should get up at a decent hour but fuck it why should i. Yeah, not much else. Trying to sell stuff on trade me so i can pay my bills before i move out and pebble comes.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

I really cannot do this shit anymore. Im sick of people being disappointed in me and verbalising their views on me being a screw up. Its just plain mean. Im sick of crying every day and having no one to yalk to. No one really cares and its not fair. Im always there for people anytime. I've text god knows how many people today and no one has even bothered to text me back. Fuck im so emotional its ridiculous. Jethros in jail and i miss him so much. More than i thought i would actually. Its really hard. Too much is going on in my life at the moment and its wearing me down more and more every day. If i wasnt pregnant id be contemplating topping myself i swear. God i complain alot. I just cant help myself. At least i have a stupid blog i can talk to. Yay how loved am i. Pity it cant talk back and give me a hug. I'd love a hug right now. It really is all too hard.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Dad just told me Madison doesnt have long left. I mean, i knew that but it just kicks it in that much harder when i hear it out loud. I dont know how to deal with this. I dont know what to do. I'm sure my tears should have dried up by now but they just keep flowing like some never-ending river. Life is just not fair, i would rather it was me a million times over, i cant bear to see her like this. She lost her sight tonight. My own baby cant even see my face. Will she remember me? I cant even look into her eyes and see that same beautiful little girl that was there a few weeks ago, its just blank. Shes so frightened. I'm so frightened. I cant even tell her whats going on, she doesnt understand. And i cant know what shes thinking or what she wants. How fucking cruel is this world. What did i do to deserve this unbearable pain? I dont fucking care if this sounds like some pity party, no one knows what im going through and if you do, help me. I cant bear the thought of her being somewhere without me. And me being without her. We are a pair, two halves of one heart. A heart cant keep beating if its not whole. I know its selfish but i need her, she cant leave me. I need her to be near me and keep me going. What is there to live for without my little girl?