Searching for the White Rabbit

Hihi.

Well that last post was fairly sad and self-pitying. But im not gunna delete it or anything because i remember how i felt that day and it was like i was slowly drowning. Sometimes it really does help to just get everything out and written down. Its almost like your plucking those emotions right out of your body and putting them to paper. It helps deal with the problems and gives you like, a different point of view almost. Not really sure how to word that but i get what i mean lol.

Things aren't too bad at the moment. I mean, Madison is still very, very ill and everything but i feel like i have the strength right now to help me get through this. I'm literally living my worst nightmare and for the first time i feel i am going to make it through to the other side. The other side being that my beautiful baby girl will have passed on. Yeah, it will be devastating and my absolute worst nightmare in the universe, but i know i need to stay strong not only for her but for her baby sister/brother in my belly :) I think talking about it (or writing) helps me get stronger and prepare myself. Obviously i know now its inevitable that Madison is not going to make it through this and i dont think i really believed that before. She is the strongest and most determined person i have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Maybe a little too much so. I dont know how this will sound to someone that doesnt know what its like but i feel like it will be a relief somehow when its over. For her i mean. She is so miserable, you can see it in her eyes. For a little girl that didnt stay still until she went to sleep, touched every single thing she laid her eyes on, and yelled and danced to the cartoons on T.V, this has got to be so hard. She cant move, talk, eat, drink, see. She cant do anything but lie in the same place all day. I'm not even sure she sees my face anymore. I know she listens to me and can understand me though. If you say "squeeze" she manages to lightly squeeze my finger. So i know she knows whats going on. Its almost like shes stuck in a body that cant do anyhting anymore. Like being totalparalysed. It just doesnt seem fair that she has to suffer like this. I hate to see her suffering and in pain its awful. I cant imagine what shes thinking about it all. I really hope she doesnt think she cant let go and leave us. I really want to know if she understands that happening to her and she knows theres nothing we can do to help her. Sometimes she has a look in her eyes thats like shes asking why we cant make her better like we used to. Shes not silly, she never has been. Im sure some children know alot more than we think they do. Especially her, shes such an old soul :) i knew that as soon as she was born and i looked in her eyes. She never really seemed brand new. I like that. I just want her to be safe and happy. I want her here with me more though. And that the kind of selfish thinking that makes me think she thinks she cant let go. I'm sure she picks up on it. I dont know, i really dont. I just know i love her more than anything and i want whats best for her. It'd be nice to know what was out there after we leave this earth. It might give alot of people some piece of mind. Then again, maybe not. I dont know whats out there but i know it helps me to get through every day to think that its something nice. Especially for children. Children are so innocent, i cant imagin whoever is in charge of all this stuff would let children go somewhere where they weren't safe. Thats what i like to think anyway. Its not like i believe in God or anything like that but something just has to be out there.

Wow, i cant believe i wrote that much. Feels good to get ot out though. Nothing much else is happening in my life. I have my 12 week scan next Monday and my boyfriend gets out of jail the day after. My tummy is huge already! Dont know whats going on with that haha. I hate it, i dont look pregnant just kinda like i ate too much or something. I'm watching Alias box-sets :) they keep me entertained at night. I dont usually got sleep til 6am and wake up about 11 or 12. Because Madison sleeps 80% of the time now i dont need to be up for anyhting. I really should get up at a decent hour but fuck it why should i. Yeah, not much else. Trying to sell stuff on trade me so i can pay my bills before i move out and pebble comes.