Well my baby has finally gone. She fought it out until the end. Stopping breathing for a minute and then *gasp* and theres the next breath. It wasnt nice to watch though. In the end her heart couldnt take it anymore and with a little sigh it stopped beating. In true Madison form, she went gracefully and peacefully while i was holding her wee hand. As soon as she was gone her whole face changed, i cant even explain what it was like. It was just not Madison anymore. It was her body but she wasnt there. I held her for a while and she was sooo warm. Almost like she was asleep. With her eyes open. She stayed on the couch for the rest of the night and the undertaker picked her up in the morning. I didnt want to see that though, by then rigor had set in and i just didnt want to see her that way. Shes at the funeral home tonight and then she'll be brought back tomorrow to stay here til thursday for her funeral. She has the most gorgeous pink casket with and a gorgeous wee dress that she would have looooved. No shoes though, she hates them.
I'm still in shock, it hasnt registered with me yet. I mean, i know shes gone but the full blow hasnt hit me. I dont think it will until after shes buried and shes really not here anymore. Poor wee baby, im so glad she isnt suffering anymore. It killed me to see that. Today at a shop i went into the toilets and a $20 note was just lying there. I thought um i think Madison sent it down for me... its probably silly to think that but i really do believe shes happy and safe playing somewhere with other kids. Or something like that. Hopefully shes with Nana and Grandad. When i came out of the toilets my Grandads funeral song was playing. Coincidence? Probably but it was quite nice. I feel like im stuck in limbo, living someone elses life and just floating along. Normal things seem wierd to do. like driving a car or eating or anything like that. The outside world seems so strange and harsh to me. It really is like a limbo. i better go get some sleep, i havent slept in a long time.
Goodnight Madison, i love you :)
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4 comments:
Oh honey, I can't tell you how much my heart hurts for you and your family.
God bless your little angel.
Take good care of yourself sweetheart.
XOXO, Melody
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I have been following your blog for quite some time. You will see so much of Madison in your next baby and God has blessed you with that.
OOOOOOHHHHHH hun ur blog is sooooo fucken sad... and dont eva say ur not strong bcoz any1 who has been thru wat u have IS strong...
i no we have only met the once but if u need sum1 u hardly no 2 talk 2 and spill ur hart out im here chik and i got the perfect sholder 2 cry on and ill even cry with u...
give me a text and we catch up if u want 0273220491..hang in thea chick xxx Luv Anita. BIG HUGS 2
I fully agree with the other comments Melissa, What you have gone through is something no mother ever should. You are incredibly strong and Brave, just like your wee girl :-), The Same thing Happened to my mum with my older brother Ricky, he died of cancer when he was 3 and i think of her as one of the bravest strongest women i no.
Cheers Jena.
you can email if ya wanna talk.. jenaking@windowslive.com
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